****************************
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the
Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big
uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a
deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of
the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If
the Pope won, the Jews would leave.The Jews realized that
they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man
named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one
addition to the debate. To make it more interesting,
neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope
raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked
back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his
fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to
the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and
a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope
stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The
Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope
asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up
three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by
holding up one finger to remind me that there was still
one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my
finger around me to show him that God was all around us.
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that
God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine
and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He
had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around
Moishe."What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe,
"First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get
out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of
Jews. I let him know that we were staying right
here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch
and I took out mine."
****************************
JEWISH HAIKU
After the warm rain,
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
Looking for pink buds
to prune, the old mohel wanders
among his flowers.
Tea ceremony
Fragrant steam perfumes the air
Try the cheese Danish.
The same Kimono
the Top Geishas are wearing
Got it at Loehmann's.
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow, I will return
to seventh grade.
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son's forty.
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
A cat steals into
the night just like my former
partner, that gonif.
Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.
Coroner's report:
"The deceased, wearing no hat,
caught his death of cold."
The sparrow brings home
too many worms for her young.
"Force yourself," she chirps.
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast -- feh.
A lovely nose-ring --
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.
Hard to tell under
the lights: white yarmulke or
male pattern baldness?
The Shiva visit
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
***************************************
A BIT OF A MIX-UP...
A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took
his urologist's advice and entered the hospital for a
routine circumcision. When he came to, he was
perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around
his hospital bed.
"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.
"Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up,"
admitted his surgeon.
"I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we
performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a
very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never
experience another erection?"
"Oh, I'm sure you will, reassured the doctor, "Only
it'll be somebody else's!"
***************************************************
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun
advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only
three applied
for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish
Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a
tiny
box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and
* Swish! * the fly fell
to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai,
show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped
forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He
drew his samurai sword and *
Swish! ' Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly
quartered!
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you
going to top that, Number Three Samurai?"
Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a
tiny
box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and
'Swooooooshi * flourished
his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through
the room. But the fly
was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of
skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is
easy. Circumcision ... THAT takes skill!
***********************************
THE MERCHANT
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant in
Brooklyn.
He lives next door to the biggest anti-semite in town.
One day the anti-semite says,
"Hey, Jew!!! I need a piece of orange yarn. The length
must be from the tip of
your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it
delivered tomorrow."
Abe says, "Ok." The next morning the anti-semite is
awakened at 7 am by
the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a
row of trucks
lined up one after the other dumping truckful after
truckful of orange
yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep
sea of orange
yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the
anti-semite. The guy
starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this?
This is not
what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn
from the end of
your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this
place! What do you have
to say for yourself?" Straightfaced, Abe replies, "I'm
very careful when
I deal with people like you, I may be off by a few
miles but after my Bris,
the tip of my penis was left in Poland."
*************************************************
MOM'S ADVICE:
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and
not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed
and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was
quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office.
He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should
do about it. He
did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room. She went back
to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk
with his penis
hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," She
screamed.
"I did," He said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
*************************************************
Texas Baby
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
because, he announces his wife has just produced "a
typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of
"WOW!" were heard. A women faints due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, "Say, you're
the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds.
"The bartender is puzzled. "Why? What happened? He
already weighed
25 pounds at birth?"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him
circumcised."
***************************************************
A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years
is
upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat
pork. So he
devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical
island and
checks into a hotel.
He immediately gets himself a table at the finest
restaurant
and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu.
As he's
eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name
called
from across the restaurant.
He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants
approaching.
His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the
same remote location!
Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge
silver
tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its
mouth.
The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and
says,
"Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how
it's served!"
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